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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Mad, sad, angry... Broken :(

Yesterday I cried my way to work, cried at work and cried my whole way home. Then cried some more at home in my husbands arms. I guess all my bottled up emotions from the failed past 2 years of trying caught up to me. This failed cycle broke me. I'm so sick of trying and failing one month after another.. I gave this shot all I had and now I'm left very empty, sad and wasted ALOT of money, time, 'sick days' at work, put my body threw injections and lived all sorts of emotions threw out the process.. all for NOTHING! I'm soo bitter right now. It's sad to say but I'm almost used to the disappointment . Failing 5 cycles of clomid was doable because I always had something else to look forward to trying (IUI & IVF). Don't get me wrong, every time I didn't see those two lines on my pregnancy tests then AF showed up it hurt like hell and I was sad.. BUT.. I kept telling myself..


1st clomid fail I told myself ''It's the first time, my body needs to get used to ovulating''.

2nd failed clomid I told myself ''Third time's the charm & tried to convince myself that maybe I had taken clomid on the wrong days (3-7) that maybe I should have taken it (5-9). Kept analyzing everything, all the steps, times we BD, layed for 45 mins with my butt in the air after every BD to make double sure. Kept telling myself 3rd time has to work!''.

3rd failed clomid I told myself ''Maybe it's because I'm stressed, maybe we BD too often, maybe my follicles didn't grow to the right size.. maybe my lining wasn't thick enough... analysed every detail once again.. yet I did not have a Dr fallowing me so I had absolutely nothing to go by and nothing to reassured me. The unknown drove me nuts.''

4th failed clomid I told myself ''Well.. I've read alot of blogs and googled alot of things and apparently doing two clomid cycles back to back you get more chances of getting pregnant the 2nd time.. this gave me some hope so we decided to try one last time with clomid. Since I had no gyno and my family Dr was not allowed to prescribe me higher clomid dose.. and our initial fertility appointment wasn't for months to come we figured what the hell, there's nothing to loose in trying and we didn't want to keep wasting months doing nothing..''

5th failed clomid I told myself '' FUCK THIS SHIT! and started to wonder if I was meant to have my own family.. and that's where this blog came into place. I had all these bottled up emotions inside with no one to really talk to who understood (friends and family try their best but what I needed at the time was someone going threw the same thing, someone who was in my shoes.. I just didn't know anyone) So I started looking up blogs and reading alot about people's experiences and realized how everyone is living a different story..

Now that I also have a failed IUI cycle under my belt.. I feel more broken then ever. IUI is supposed to work! There are sooo many people out there with cases WAY worst them mine who get pregnant on IUI and have healthy babies and healthy pregnancies.. I thought this time it was finally MY TIME.. I felt good about the process.. I kept an open mind about it all and on shittier days when I was tired of injecting myself and exhausted from having to drive 4 hours a day just to get blood work drawn and ultrasounds to check the growth of the follicles.. I was able to smile threw it all because I thought there would be a prize at the end.. that I would finally get to win. I even started a small smash book and turned it into an amazing little fun interactive book about my experience and added a bunch of fun tags and so on.. I had alot of fun doing it because I actually thought this time it would work... that I would be able to look back at this 'smash book' and smile and remenise on the IUI journey and what it took to make it happen. I have a couple days worth of information to add to the book and now I sit there with the book in front of me feeling empty. Suddenly it doesn't look as fun and the purpose of the book feels ridiculous. I keep thinking.. how many of these will I have to do before I get my happy ending.. (I still need to post a video of the book.. I think some of you out there would get inspired by it.. it helped me threw my journey and helped me stay on the right track and stay positive..) Although now it just feels stupid.

Now.. here I am.. WHAT'S NEXT?!!!!!
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How close am I to the prize?! 

Yes I know, your probably thinking why not just try IUI#2..
Alot easier said then done.. That's what I kept telling myself with clomid and look where that got me.. What chances do I have for it working the second time around?! No guarantees and only more money, time, tear, injections and km's on my car. Yes I would do ANYTHING to get pregnant but I mean.. I don't want to be one of those people who have like  6 failed IUI's and keeps going and going. Every single blog I've read where people have been trying for years and years and failed IUI many many times who finally turned to IVF because it was their last option and they came to that road.. EVERY single blog says knowing what they know now they wish they could go back in time and just suck it up and do IVF first try. Wasted so many years waiting and money and putting their lives on hold.. I want my baby NOW. Not in two years from now. To be honest I always imagined being pregnant with my second-third child by now. I want a big family and I can't help but panic and freak out every time I think it could take us a year... two.. five.. nine before it actually works.. before I get pregnant.. I've been ready mentally, physically, emotionally for this baby for the past 2 years. The time is now.. I want it 2 years ago and I'm not about to wait another 2!

IVF scared the shit out of me and I don't know what to do, what to think, where to get my information from, pro's and con's and success rates. If we're going to do IVF I need it to be soon.. and by soon I mean in the next couple months. I need this to work, I need to be pregnant. I need to give my husband a family because he deserves it.. him and his super sperm.. I want his parents to be grandparents for the first time.. I want to built my family, I want to create memories, I want to fill up albums upon albums of photos and happy family memories. I want to create our own family traditions.. I want this little creature my husand and I create to look up at me and call me mom for the first time. I want to breastfeed, I want to stay up late rocking my fussy baby to sleep. I can't wait. I don't want to wait.. My time is now.. and I need to make it happen somehow..

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The Sad  Infertile Mrs. White