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Monday, July 15, 2013

Lately..

Lately I'm just so..

I don't even know how to explain it.. up and down and up and down with my emotions.. Right when I think I'm finally somewhat okay for a day where I can go threw my day and forget about my obsession with becoming pregnant and wanting like 4 of my own kids.. I see something or I think of a memory, or I see close friends really cute happy newborns, new family photos I break down all over again. I swear facebook can be a killer. I try not to go on it often but then I can't help it. I can't ignore my friends because they just had 'a super adorable baby'.. I suck it up and comment nice words that come from my heart because deep down inside I am so over joyed happy for all of them and I know how happy they are to be on their new mommy journeys... but then I put the laptop away and then I can't seem to shake off my jealousy and envy for the rest of my day. I feel like a really horrible person most of the time when it comes to pregnancies, babies, parents with alot of kids... because I wish it was me and it's not. I seem to replay scenes in my head over and over again of how we started trying years before any of my recently "new mommy' friends even mentioned wanting to start a family. Seems like first try and bang 9 months later parents. It's funny how alot of them can't believe how "it all happened so fast, one minute your talking about possibly starting a family and the next here you are juggling life as parents with a baby you weren't even sure you were ready for.." PUKE! I'm so bitter and I'm very aware how awful some of my posts can be to people who don't understand what it's like to live life in the shoes of an infertile woman. I really wish I wasn't like this because I really care about my friends and I wish I could just genuinely be the bestest person I can be and friends to them as I know I can be but ever since my journey has started to feel like there isn't going to be an end to it.. I've started to distance myself from people and this hurts me. I know it's all my doing but I'm going threw infertility and that's really something.

I used to beat myself up all the time saying "Oh Nadine, you haven't been trying that long quit feeling so sorry for yourself" or "Yes you did 5 clomid cycles but nothing counts til your actually fallowed by a specialist" or "I'm still young and I still have alot of time.." I used to also try and convince myself that majority of the infertile community has it worst then me because they had to endure numerous miscarriages and I've yet to experience that nor seeing a positive pregnancy stick. I always felt like I should't complain to anyone and keep it all in because I felt like my situation wasn't real enough. Lately tho, I have started to feel like "You know what.. I am in this, I am going threw things and it's okay to be pissed off at the world and hate my body and myself for being such a failure at this month after month". I'm starting to feel like yes I can complain about how hard infertility for me is because I finally came to realize that every infertility story is different and we all cope in different ways. I might not have experienced ALL areas of infertility since I still have that hope for IVF, I still have that one thing I can cling hope to.

I'm really scared I can never get pregnant.. I'm not one of those people who has gotten many positive pregnancy tests then has lost it couple weeks in. I have no idea if my body is even capable of creating a baby at all and that's so scary. Don't get me wrong I am glad I did not have to endure a loss because I don't know how I would handle that and how strong I could be after going threw something like that. Lately I just don't feel that confident in what my body is capable of doing. For example every time I try and eat healthy and loose weight I always yo-yo right back to my weight. I fail at loosing weight time after time (thanks to my hypothyroidism). That's a whole other story but all that to say lately I hate my body more then ever and I hate my body for not being able to accomplish something that so many others do so easily with no effort at all. We interfiles are dragged threw a hell of a rollercoaster ride cycle after cycle, months after month.. year after year. When will I finally get at my happy ending? And when and if I ever get there will I ever be able to enjoy it or will I go threw it scared as hell of every possible thing that can go wrong.

I'm going to start this IUI cycle with a positive outlook.. not positive as in I think I'll end up with a pregnancy, but positive in a way that hoping my follicles grow according to plan and on schedule. I am banking on my 1st fallow up ultrasound being a positive one. Now that I have a cycle to compare to, I really hope to see that my follicles are larger then they were last and that my lining is where it should be. I'm going to go threw this cycle as positive as I can but also as realistic as I can since I am fully aware IUI is only 20% chance. My odds are not very high. Also the fact that I'm actively raising money for IVF helps me stay more positive. I'm looking forward to seeing what my body is capable of and hoping for the best possible outcome for this cycle.

The Infertile Mrs.White