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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

How I feel today

This is how I feel today. Empty and SAD.
infertility-emptiness-sadness-depression

I really thought the IUI cycle was going to work. We both got so emotionally and physically attached to this cycle. Watching my follicles grow at each follow up appointment was pretty neat and every appointment made us more and more hopeful. When we were told to trigger and that we had high chances of twins or triplets we were over the moon! I finally had 3 beautiful follicles just waiting for a perfect little sperm to penetrate it! It was supposed to work.. hubby's sperm was close to perfect, my 3 follicles were pretty awesome and the IUI went really well.. I even took the next day off to rest emotionally and physically and just detach myself from everything and enjoyed the hole day watching movies and having my alone time with my dogs, it was perfect.. minus the cramping. Then only 5 days in after the IUI I started to spot.. from that moment on I knew this cycle was a bust for us. Spotting is never a good sign, especially when it's pink and especially if it's before 8 days post.

I'm going threw the stage where I feel hopeless.. Like I get so mad at myself and beat myself up over the fact that my body is so shitty! Oh yeah also today the fertility clinic called me and said they were faxing over a medication change to my pharmacy because they were going to up my thyroid medication some more and that I was to get my blood work done again in 5 weeks and they were most likely going to up it again in 5 weeks. My thyroid has always been very shitty and I have felt it that way my hole life.. I got it all.. all the hypothyroidism symptoms but for some reason no doctor wanted to prescribe me any medication to help me with it so I could feel normal for once. Only while doing IUI2 that my fertility Dr said he was going to up my dosage since I was around a 4.6 or something I forget the exact number now and that they wanted me below a 4 and that women trying to get pregnant it would be ideal to have it close to a 2 or under.!!! Freak out much and of course they only upped the dosage a tiny bit and now again a little bit. I was at 50mg for a year then they just upped me to 75mg a month ago and now today i'm at 100mg. I have a feeling I will need to go up to 250-300mg easily. 

Today I feel shitty. Like I just wanna cry for hours and hug a pillow and not even really know why I'm crying kinda day. 

The Infertile Mrs.White